Babaloni Corresponds
today i received a sweet email from one of my sisters of the world. she is a thoughtful, intense scorpio and, like myself, given to taking the occasional stab at herself for the sake of evolution. we had such a powerful interaction today that we agreed to share it here. my hope for anyone reading this is that you enjoy the company of even one such person in your life. i am so blessed to be surrounded by these light-filled beings, unafraid as they are to look into the darkness of themselves and others and still to love so genuinely and each in their own unique ways.thanks be to the gods of messy messes and the goddesses who come in with their sponges, mops and brooms. without them, i'd be lost and not much worth finding. agape and namaste, indeed.
cheers, y'all.
***********
Hi Babaloni-
Wow, I just read your blog entries from AustinMama. Damn girl, you're makin' me cry. It's awesome. Keep writing! More! I bet if you put all of your blogs together you'd have damn good book in no time. I think that would be the best revenge on Greenman: using this horrible experience to create something that tells him that you're better than he ever was (I can't believe some of the things he said to you, that's awful to say the least) and that you're strong enough to create a life for yourself and the girls.
Is there anything you need? Sounds like things are fairly smooth and easy over at The EarthMother Flagship Rehabilitation Center for Displaced Goddesses and Magickal Children, but if you need anything, just let us know. I hope X-Man doesn't remind you too much of Greenman (5 days apart, but a whole world as far as I'm concerned), since I'm sure he'd be happy to do things like fix your computer, etc.
You did the right thing (I know you know that). I really had no idea Greenman was such a freaking prick: I would have lost my mind too. I knew he had the capacity to be a jerk, but not to that extent. Wow. Feel free to use me as a repository of commiseration should you need to spew any more hurtful insults he passed your way: you don't need that in your head.
When is a good time to call you to see if you have a little time to visit? We're sort of flush again, so if you want me to buy you a cup of coffee or something I'd be happy to. Let me know, let me know, let me know. :D
Love you, hon, and I hope we can chat outside of the context of a social gathering soon.
agape & namaste
~A Mama
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Dearest A Mama,
thank you. i'm glad you like my writing and i
appreciate the encouragement. i need to write but
time and energy and access to the computer are often
conflicting. or maybe everything is just as it should
be. who knows?
thank you for the support. you know what, though?
i'm coming into a clearing. the emotional landmines
have stopped blowing up in my face and i've had enough
safe harbor to begin processing and owning that which
is mine. greenman HAS acted like a prick for all the
world to see--especially with me at the helm as his spindoctor.
i've got to admit it: my own contributions to the junkpile have
not been unremarkable. i'm working myself into a
place of moderation and seeking to repair some of
the roads that i've blown up recently. it's the only
way. i can only get what i'm willing to give and
compassion is the place to start. greenman has made an
uncomfortable bed that he will have to lie in,
certainly. i just can't live in the blame anymore
because what it comes down to is the fact that i have
to tuck my kids in at night and look into their eyes
with the knowledge that my behavior and choices affect
them every day from here on out and that i must go to
sleep at night with a heavy heart knowing that my
actions, my perceptions and my own choosing to feel a
particular set of emotions is fueling responses that
have had and will continue to have serious
repercussions. i just want peace. and i want peace
from the old things that have always been thorns in my
paws, you know? like, the things that i keep calling up and
recreating for myself, perpetuating.
somehow, i will make this better and i will benefit from the
outcomes and i'll make damn sure my girls do, too. i can't bear the
thought that my compliance with negativity will serve only to
continue a cycle that has little girls hurting for
their daddy when i remember so clearly that feeling as a child.
i'm working on a way to do it right, to do it so that
i am no longer compromising myself in a marriage and
life and role that is so fucking detrimental to me.
greenman came into town last night for a job in san
antonio and we've had our first civil interaction in
many, many weeks. cross your fingers for me. i know
you are.
love you,
babaloni
*****************************
Heya Babaloni-
While for different reasons, I really do know just how you feel. You and I are compadres on the Anger Train and lately I'm really struck with the knowledge that I really have to find a way to short-circuit the Short-Circuit, y'know? Actually, to turn it back into a Long Circuit that hits all the stops and not just the ones you really wouldn't want to debark at. But it's imperative that Z-Baby not grow up with the same uncertainty that I grew up with because of my own mom's temper, detachment, and mood swings. At the same time, I have to find a way around the deep shame I feel at turning into that horrible woman sometimes, because it will only impede my progress. I refuse to pass the Dysfunctional Fire Brigade bucket down the line anymore, because those buckets aren't filled with water: they're filled with flash powder!
This week I'm researching yoga and herbal supplements. I have to inject some plateaus of predictable peace into my life, even if it's only half an hour at a time! Then I think it will be easier to see myself for what I really am instead of through the shit-colored pair of glasses I find I've been wearing since I was a teenager. I think it will also be easier for me to put things in better perspective and not let myself get so darn mad after attaching more meaning than is necessary to a situation or person. Don't know if that made any sense at all, but there it is.
Anyway, not meaning to dump on you or anything: I can just relate to your current mama-mindset.
agape & namaste
~A Mama
posted by babaloniyoni @ 3:13 PM
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