Babyloni Yoni - Livin' Lifetime
trying to wrap my head around the fact that my husbandhas left the state has given me a headache and chronic
digestive distress. i am somewhat dissociated from
the laundry list of details which must be tended to.
where ever does one begin when confronting a life hand
dipped in several layers of denial?
when i sleep, i dream of him. i dream of him feeding
me shit, ice cream style from a beautiful dish. also,
i dream of finding enormous shiny turds in a shiny
white porcelain bowl, then looking up and seeing him
in the mirror behind me, grinning lasciviously,
unashamed about the mess he's left behind. a week or
so ago, i dreamed i was actually eating a large shit
in a banana peel, walking alongside him at a carnival
where he put me and the kids on a horrifying ride that
ended with me slamming, face-first, into a cardboard
box of love letters covered with (you guessed it)
shit. i wonder what mister freud would say about all
this. dude, nevermind. forget i asked.
in contrast with my one track dreaming is my
unflaggingly circular waking thought process. "ok, he
left. gotta make it on my own. check. first i need
to find a job, pay my bills, secure a home safe enough
for me and the girls, locate child care for thing 2,
stay involved with schooling of thing 1, keep sanity,
prepare nutritious food, get laid, dear merciful
heavens!, search the internet for scholarships for
destitute mothers whose past life left her in default
for a whopper of a student loan, oh, and make time to
play authentically with the kids." wait, which comes
first? and when do i slip in "track down slimy
bastard and kick the shit out of him"? i guess that's
just after taking the advice of the voice speaking
when i awakened from a night of restless, shit filled
sleep..."acceptance is key". what-EVER!!!! and by
the way, how the hell does one go about getting a
divorce and child support payments? anybody?
there is one shining star in this bitch i have thrust
upon you. i have landed in the soft nest of a woman
that i admire and enjoy immensely. she is graceful
and kind and perpetually energetic. (so much so that
i find myself staring in awe and wonder and yes,
occasional envy) i aspire to move as quickly, surely
as my benevolent sister/friend. her encouragement and
gentle pokes are far better than the noise in my head
and i am glad we are here being loved by her and her
own children. it is temporary but safe, comfortable
and mostly easy. i have gratitude coming out my pores
right now, truly, and i only say it so pointedly to
make sure it's plain because i'm feeling such a
strange sense of numbness and tunnelvision that it's
likely that i am not emoting in a normal way. except
when i speak of the cowardly bastard who ditched his
kids for a new life in the beautiful mountains of
colorado. then i emote just fucking fine, thank you.
looking at my reality full on, i'd just as soon stick
wasabi covered bamboo chopsticks in my eyes. i know,
i know, goddamnit--we create our own reality. can
it--i mean, just keep it to yourself. if you're a
well meaning somebody who thinks you'll point out to
me that i'm playing the victim card (yes, it has been
done) and whining, do us both a favor and sip on this
nice cup of shut the fuck up. when you find yourself
out on your ass, having sold most of your possesions
for money to live on, paying for your groceries with a
lonestar card while your kids sit in the cart joking
on the cellphone with the jerkoff that ran the hell
off AND LEFT THEM BEHIND, oblivious to the
implications of daddy being far away....THEN you can
call me what ever the hell you want to. as of now,
the inquiries and well meaning but poorly delivered
canned lines of "how ARE you" and "you'll do just
fine" make my guts queasy and i might just puke on
your shoes if you deign to tell me that i'll be better
off without him anyway. what about my kids? will
they be better off? why the fuck to I have to be the
one to evolve and suck it up and never get a moment
alone while deputy dipshit got to shoot our finances
to shit, demoralize and demean me, wreck everything
nice about what we once were, try to kiss one of my
good friends, spend the last night he had to see his
kids drinking with said "friend" and then skip off to
his sister's in colorado where the job he thought he
had when he moved there on a lark turned sour within a
week and now he's looking at working a minimum wage
shit job to survive??????
why?
why?
WHY???
i am so fucking irately pissed and simultaneously
confused and derranged. here. let me treat you to a
slice of my head talk:
self: "he left us? like, for good?"
self2: "yeah, he said we were too fat to fuck
and that we were killing him and that he couldn't live
in the same town or even the same state as us."
self: "oh. so, you mean he left? like, for
good? and now i have to take care of the
kids....alone? and um, he's just...gone? so, does
that mean i'll be alone? does that mean that if we
need him he'll just be...gone? oh."
self2: "well, he did say he'd make the drive
once a month to see the kids and that he would also
send checks large enough sustain us and that he would
remain very involved with the kids lives (no, he
didn't mention how). oh, and he talks to them every
night in his dreams and he made sure to make it
crystal clear that he is finished with us, horrible
person that we are."
self:
"bwwaaaahahahahhhhhaaaaaaahaaahhhhaaaa...." (maniacal
laughter drowns out all other sensory input)
holy shit in a banana peel. i'm that woman who got
left. my kids have a deadbeat dad. this isn't
supposed to happen except on movies made for the
lifetime network. can somebody just tell me...WTF????
posted by Kim @ 12:23 PM
1 Comments:
g*ddamn stages of grief.
http://tinyurl.com/qmnq6
anger is a bitch, but right now, i say run with it.
we gotcher back sistah.
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