the wedding present
So I got married two days ago.
It was a great wedding. Jon, my new husband (!!!), is a wonderful man. My youngest child in particular, Elliot, thinks Jon is the best thing since sliced bread. He lights up whenever Jon is around. But Elliot wasn't too keen on Jon and me going away overnight to a hotel for our wedding night.
Now this is a child who has happily been having sleepovers away from me with friends and cousins since he was three years old. He's eight now. He also spends about one-third of his time living with his father. So he isn't generally uncomfortable with being away from me overnight.
But for some reason, he was extremely Not Okay with the idea of Jon and me taking that one night away and leaving him with his Aunt Betsy. As the wedding approached, he became almost obsessed with it. He kept asking where we were going and when we would be back... over and over and over. This morphed into tearful begging that we not leave him.
Needless to say, I was torn. I did not want my baby (he's the baby of three and you know how that is no matter how old they get) unhappy on my wedding night because this is supposed to be a good thing for all of us. Plus, I knew I couldn't relax and uh, enjoy myself if Elliot were back at the ranch in tears.
I tried reasoning with him. I tried being firm with him. Finally it became clear that there was only one option left to me: bribery.
Actually, this only became clear to me as I snugghled him on my lap as the reception wound down, with his tears dropping all over my wedding dress, and me nearly in tears... torn between wanting a night alone with my husband and not wanting to leave my son.
"What if Jon and I bring you a special surprise from the hotel?" I asked him hopefully as I rubbed his head.
He perked up.
"What sort of surprise?" he asked.
"Something really cool," I offered, imagining stopping at Target on the way home for small set of new Legos or something.
"Anything I want?"
(And take note other mamas; here's where I screwed up...BAD. )
"Sure sweetie, whatever you want," I blurted out, too happy to see I was making progress to notice where this conversation was going. "I want you to be happy. It can be a wedding present just for you. I'll get it as long as they sell it at Target, because I'll bet there's one near the hotel. What would you like?"
"I want a PSP," he answered happily.
I had no idea what this was, so I agreed, imagining it was some sort of video game that might cost a bit more than I wanted to spend - maybe $40 or $50, but well worth it to appease him and my guilty conscience.
He smiled and gave me a hug and told me he would be fine. I promised to return with this PSP thing several more times before happily leaving the party with my handsome new husband.
On the way to the hotel, Jon calmly informed me I had just agreed to buy Elliot a $250 handheld video game system.
"No freaking way!" I yelped.
Not only had I committed the unspeakable parenting sin of simple, no-excuses bribery, I had just promised my kid the sort of item I would normally buy him only for a major holiday. But I could see no way around it. Given these specific circumstances, there was no way I could come back from the hotel without the PSP.
Jon couldn't have been nicer. He said it was hush money well spent for a night alone together at a hotel (and may I simply say that it really, really was...heh ;-)
And Elliot loves the PSP, but I feel a little sick every time I see him playing with it.
posted by katieallisongranju @ 2:08 PM
9 Comments:
Then it seems like you're going to be so distraught over his graduation, first real job or wedding to be able to cope without a "gift" for mom. Really, this will become a family legend for gatherings. Imagine the fun of this story when he's a parent.
"Hush money." I love it!! Jon rocks.
A PSP.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That is hooolarious, Katie.
Money well spent, sistah.
Kim
hmmm. I wonder how the siblings felt. I know I would be pretty pissed if I realized my brother had scored a PSP simply by whining a little. newsflash: kids hate to think they are missing out. you can do it without bribery. but maybe if the idea that causing your child momentary discomfort will scar them for life its a bit difficult.
you have set quite a precedent.
Bribery is normal life. I always reward myself after doing something I don`t want to do. I resort to bribery with my kids sometimes b/c at least its a positive way to handle some difficult moments. I don`t think its a terrible precedent at all. In this situation I think "peace at any price" was what really mattered. Congratulations on your marriage!
well how about a little firmness? or it that something that Katie is incapable of. I believe in rewarding kids for a job well done and positive incentives but I am sorry, a PSP so he will spend the night at his aunts??? I dont think so. like I said esp with siblings I think that is probably opening the door to something or another. or at least helping teach the kids that to make a fuss is to get rewarded. and to teach the kids that dont whine and cry that they will not benefit. I have been guilty of smaller (much smaller) episodes of this very thing and I was called on it being told that I was basically enabling bad behavior: ie misbehave and now I will reward you to not misbehave. no, it shouldnt work that way. if she cannot be firm enough to tell her kid that he is staying at his aunts and thats that without a three hundred dollar prize then well, I dont think much of that. now if she were to tell her kids BEFORE the tears that all three of them were getting something small from the hotel gift shop then thats great. if I leave a child with a relative on vacation I almost always bring back something SMALL to say "i was thinking of you". but basically what Katie did was reward bad behavior and I would think the siblings would be pissed that they didnt think to pitch a fit either. that could have at least been worth an XBOX 360 and a raincheck for the new playstation when it comes out in a few months.
In regards to the anonymous post above: I personally feel very sorry that you were judged so harshly in your parenting. ("I have been guilty of smaller (much smaller) episodes of this very thing and I was called on it being told that I was basically enabling bad behavior: ie misbehave and now I will reward you to not misbehave.") Hopefully the bad feelings that judgement has produced will remind you to be kinder to yourself and others in the future so they don't have to feel the hurt that you carry. -Joy
believe me, you can do whatever you want with your kid in that arena. he's your kid. he'll grow up a loving person because he lives in a loving place. sony will not have a hand in who he becomes. of that i am completely unworried.
happy happy wedding, katie.
damn. i wish i would've ever thought to ask "whatever i want?" because we'd usually just wind up with very, very, very special . . . little hotel soaps . . .
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