Intimidating Job DescriptionsGranted I'm not quite executive material, but even the job ads for mid-level workers seem out of my league. I don't know the right software or I'm unfamiliar with a certain process or it's clear that the employer wants to own me. Everything seems out of reach.
A search of jobs on Craigslist leaves me feeling inadequate, too: I'm too old to be an egg donor; I'm not cut out to be a phone sex operator, though the pay is tempting; and at this point in my life running all over town tacking up event posters just doesn't seem like a great use of my skills.
I feel like Goldilocks searching for just the Right Fit. But maybe I'm thinking too deeply about all of this. When this arrived in my inbox I realized that maybe my description for my current as Mom sounds a bit intimidating as well. (Sorry, I don't know who wrote it. Any ideas?)
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life you must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You will not receive a paycheck. In fact, you will pay dearly for this job. You will offer frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and, at times, wish you could do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
posted by Kim Moldofsky @ 12:39 PM