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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

tomorrow, spring

tomorrow is the spring equinox. 9 years ago on that day...i was initiated as a wiccan priestess. that same night, i met the man whose children i bore. nine years--nearly a decade of my life. i defined myself in terms i was never quite comfortable with. i was passive, fearful...moving at the pace of the tides that swept me in and out again. i'm not sure what the hell i was thinking...maybe that it would get better. i think it seemed easier to live someone elses life than to risk making bad choices with my own. making that man the central focus of my universe was a risky, and fruitless endeavor. i have his children, yes, and when the first was born, she gave me something to do besides him, which was fortunate because for her first year, he was MIA much of the time. now that i think about it, all the times i've called him a good father, i was mistaken. to be a good parent, one must think of the offspring first and prioritize accordingly. that has not happened.

he says he's coming back. the exhausted mama part of me wants to jump for joy. another part of me knows better. it's likely an empty happiness. i am still feeling the violation of having been abandoned with no real recourse to speak of. no form of retaliation or vengeful act of spite could ever make it better. it's a deep wound and one that will take some time to knit up. so much the better for him to return, though, i guess. perhaps he'd pick up some slack so i could recharge a bit from the trauma of it all. despite the rollercoaster, in a manner of speaking, this has been the most exciting and energetic segment of my life to date. i'm anxious...but excited about what's around the corner. i've been learning alot about how intent and focus shape experience. i like my vantage point. i like my life. finally, at long last, i'm feeling some comfort in my skin and some ease in my mind.

seduction would be a sweet balm for my ails, now. it's been years since i was engaged in something that carried me away to the good place. i know i'm a little fragile and might appear to be needing more than one other person could afford to give freely. i know it looks like i'm standing in a heap of mess that shovels couldn't touch but i'm a big girl and i'm not afraid to use some elbow grease or to get my hands dirty. sometimes forward motion requires a bit of a push, no? the diversionary tactics of a lover would be a welcome source of escape. i'm not sure how graceful i would be...but i am honest and effortlessly pleasant to be around.

tomorrow is the spring equinox. it's also the birthday of one of my best friends. she will be 35. i have to do a double take on that number. we have been attached at the hip to varying degrees since she was 19, just before my own 18th birthday. the first time i met her i wanted to be her friend. she made fun of my groupie chic, my wild and wanton ways. the first time i tried to talk to her i decided she was a real bitch and felt sad that she'd deprive me of her company. the more i watched her, the more certain i was that she should have theme music, like sherilyn fenn's character, audrey, in twin peaks. at some point, i won her over with my scintillating wit and ridiculous antics, many unintentional. to date, we have been doing this life thing together for our entire adult lives. we've been through so much together. we survived acid trips gone wrong, random debaucheries, bad choices o'plenty and the joys and tedium of living together. we've been pregnant simultaneously, cried alot of tears, visited the baby eraser and had our dumbass husbands leave us within weeks of each other. we have laughed, god, have we laughed--i'll never be able to hear the red hot chili pepper's "sir psycho sexy" and keep a straight face. the first big nirvana album was ours alone--we knew every word and howled it out, tooling around shreveport in her car that, to my great surprise, had no power steering. one of our dear friends died of a heart attack and we looked at death together. i was stalked by a madman, paralyzed by my own devastation after too many losses and unable to be alone. she stayed with me and nurtured me...to the point that my neighbor was convinced that we were hot lipstick lesbians and he could hardly keep his hard-on off the threshhold. how different my life would be without her...how bleak. once, after going through a particularly harrowing life experience, i moved back to my hometown from austin. one day when i visited, her mom took one look at me and said in her charming newfoundland accent, "honey, you need to find your lipstick." blessed words that brought me back to center and helped me to regenerate, an ongoing theme. i am grateful to be at a place in life where i have friends of such substance, whose lives parallel my own, even when we might be at odds. i'm glad we're not at odds and that even at the height of my weirdness and personal drama, she's stuck by, precious anchor that she is.

happy anniversary to me. happy birthday to her and good riddance to old ways that no longer apply.

welcome, spring!

posted by babaloniyoni @ 12:19 PM  


At 10:07 AM, Ceredwyn said...

Spring here in the cold Northern mountains is divided into two distinct entities. Sugar season and mud season. Wishing you more sugar and less mud!


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