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Monday, September 03, 2007

the party's over

why does piano music sound so much like life?

a few hours ago we had a birthday dinner for Mr.Hobbledog. we have a lot of friends with children, so we have them early- started at four and everyone was gone by seven. that way all the families can maintain their schedules.

the party has been picked up, the dishes washed. even the dishwasher cycle is over, and an empty sink congratulating it. i have walked a load of trash to the dumpster, sidestepping snails and raindrop-lidded branches.

i'm sitting naked in front of a large open window. today was our first trip to a nude beach. i was created by the Maker to skinnydip. i have a proficiency, and aptitude, and inclination, a calling.

at night i like to lay near my husband, who lays on his back, with my hand across his scapula, fingers resting on his pulse. i sense the blood moving across his neck, making him alive. that blood must flow, it is what makes us alive. mortality is as apparent at 10 pm as it is other times.

my brother-in-law has elevated liver enzymes. he has a liver biopsy on thursday. i am feeling very awkward, because i cannot imagine that there is anything serious wrong. an auto-immune disorder, cancer, what else? but only a year ago at the end of this month, my best friend was diagnosed with cancer of the soft tissues. the tissues in this case were her arterial and heart tissue, her kidney tissue, her lung tissue, and her liver tissue. she was dead within two months.

three years old in october. i dare not touch the places where the blood runs through him. i can't know that he will end.
sometime long ago our ancestors found that killing other humans for sport or glory was abhorrent to them. we began to travel the world, and enslaved one another and kept killing one another. we made profits, and wrote histories. and everywhere in between the profits and histories people hurt and took care of one another. symphonies and arias were composed. and while they were composed we stuttered and stammered our way towards unity. we changed everyday, and were changed. everyday.

we were worth it.

i know enough about the moment of my friend's death to imagine it. she was in hospice, we had been there earlier that day and it was a monday. in her last days, she was not sedate or conscious. she was physically like a baby person, wriggling and gurgling, but still thirty inside. her body was failing her. she couldn't communicate, but she strove toward it. her nurses asked the family to wait outside so that she could have a bath. they put on willie nelson, and cleaned her gently, long, by hand. washing her silky chestnut hair, because she didn't have time for chemotherapy. they were hearing "Waltz Across Texas" as she slipped down into the tub. and as the words began... "turn out the lights, the party's over" she slipped away.

i'm listening to madeleine peyroux and watching him, the place on David's neck where his life is. life is all over this place.

"maybe ain't no use in sayin' what i want it to be
maybe ain't no use in playin' a tune
maybe ain't no use in singin' my blues
but there's always a use in you and me"

can't wait till next year...

posted by hobbledog @ 6:59 PM


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