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The
Mama ABCs "A" is for apple. "B" is for bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know that. Even our toddlers know that. We moms read books like that all the time. And if we want an A to Z primer that goes on beyond "Z is for Zebra," we can find A-Z books on everything from cat diseases, essential oils and foreign music terms to fuchsias and snake-keeping. But what about a basic A to Z guide for mamas? If babies, toddlers, preschoolers, patchouli lovers and herpetologists can have ABCs, than surely mothers deserve one, too -- seeing as how "M" is at the center of the alphabet just as Mom is the center of child's universe. And so, herewith, is a sampling of “The Mama ABCs." A is for Antidepressant. It is also for Anxiety. If you suffer a nasty bout of postpartum depression and anxiety or otherwise find yourself buffeted by gale-force hormonal upheavals and the riptides of life, you may become well acquainted with these pill-sized ports in a storm. C is for Crafts. You will do lots of these over the years, and your children will make many of them for you at home and school. Tin-can robots, polystyrene-and-Q-tip hedgehogs, salt-dough hearts and Popsicle-stick picture frames will adorn your walls and shelves. You will find it hard to ever throw away milk cartons, corks, toilet-paper tubes, and the like for fear you will need them next week for a craft (or for a Collage, a subcategory of crafts that envelopes all junk items in its insatiable maw). You will cull the crafts themselves eventually, keeping some and feeling simultaneously relieved and guilty as you trash the others in your child's absence. D is for Diapers, of course. Dozens and Dozens of them. And Diaper Rash, which may require Desitin or other zinc-oxide-containing compounds, all of which will stain your clothing with white stripes and specks. It will get under your fingernails, and you will pretend that you have simply enjoyed a French manicure. D is also for Disposable and Discussion. Much to your Dismay, you may find yourself embroiled in many a discussion over whether to use disposables, diaper service or cloth diapers washed at home. E is for Eating. Eating is an Enjoyable as well as Essential life function. It is also an Escapade and an Exhausting Exercise when it involves babies and children. Experts will criticize the way you feed your baby no matter what you do. You may get involved in Discussions (see D) about breast milk, formula, the history of the dairy industry, and primitive societies where women supposedly breastfeed all the children in a family of seven kids until each one is eight years old. The words "rice cereal" have the power to cause generational schisms. At some point your child may seal her lips and eat only Day-Glo macaroni and cheese, fish sticks, candy, and jam sandwiches with the crusts cut off and sliced on the diagonal, which will seriously kink your plans for a healthful diet. G is for Games. The Game you will play most is Candyland. You may find yourself feeling very competitive during this game, despite reminding yourself that you are a Grown-up and that it is just a Game. You will wonder why the manufacturers have never noticed that the peanut brittle candy on the sidewalk near Grandmaw Nutt's house looks frighteningly like dog doo. Are there leash laws in Candyland? Never mind. You've been sent back to Plumpy's zone, all the way near start. M is for Memory. You will spend much time chronicling your kids' childhood on film, video, and disks and in scrapbooks as your own personal short-term memory decays and you lose your keys every half hour. O is for "Oops." "Oops" is a close relation of "uh-oh." Both are among the earliest words uttered by a toddler. "Oops" covers everything from spilling juice and dropping a spoon to inserting Kleenex into the heating vent and filling the toilet with toys. If you are not in the same room as the child who utters "oops," get moving. P is for Poop. You may find yourself using this word with an alarming consistency and startling nonchalance over time, despite the fact that you may never have referred to this biological byproduct at all in your pre-child existence. S is for Sleep, a state of being you will look back on with tears in your eyes and great longing. Ah, to sink blissfully into the sweet arms of Morpheus for more than three hours in a row! Your baby, on the other hand-with all the time in the world to snooze-will shun sleep as if he just knows there's a great party he's going to miss if he blinks. Older children will devise cunning ways to delay bedtime and sleep and will rise before self-respecting roosters do -- until kindergarten begins and dragging them out of bed is like extracting Pooh from Rabbit's doorway. U is for Underwear. A well-known children's poet asserts that this word is the funniest in the English language as far as children are concerned. Underwear is also the gold medal of potty training. The attainment of underwear status brings Untold Joy to the hearts of both children and parents and the purchase of underwear emblazoned with (a) superheroes and trains or (b) princesses and flowers, depending on the child's sex. W is for "What to Expect," a book series that covers childbirth and beyond and will convince you that you are doing everything wrong. Y is for "Yuck." "Yuck" is a frequent criticism levied by young would-be restaurant reviewers. "Yuck" may greet anything from spinach and broccoli to the following: toast that is a bit dark along one edge; a speck of green that drifted over to the cheese-only portion of the pizza from the parents' portion of the pizza; lovingly homemade mac-and-cheese as opposed to the kind in a box; pasta that is tube-shaped instead of corkscrew-shaped; or a meal that was a favorite just yesterday. Z
is for Zwischenbemerkung. This means "interruption" in German.
Prime attractants for Zwischenbemerkung are Mommy (a) sitting at the
computer, (b) picking up the telephone, (c) entering the bathroom and
shutting its door, and (d) trying to finish anything. .......................................................................... |
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